8 Simple Rules For Making My Cheeseburger

We are apparently living in the summer of the slider. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love those little bastards and all their brethren (but that's another post). HOWEVUH, this is the summer, and the summer is always cheeseburger season. This cannot realistically be debated. There are just certain things that are more easily accomplished with a big ass cheeseburger that a slider can never do. However, not all burgers are created equal. As anyone who has ever been to a cookout can attest, burgers are shockingly easy to fuck up. The following are a few simple guidelines, a cheeseburger manifesto if you will. Because knowing is half the battle:

1. Meat should be 80/20 meat/fat and formed into the loosest patties you can make. The more you shape, pat, and re-enact the clay scene in Ghost, the more likely your burger is going to have the consistency of meatloaf. If you're really feeling friendly (and a little more spendy) find a few nice cuts of steak and ask the butcher to grind them for you. Tell him you're making burgers. Ask him not to wrap it too tight in plastic.

2. Anyone who tells you there are certain kinds of cheeses not fit for a burger is an asshole. There is a time for a burger with Rogue Creamery Smoked Blue. There is also a time for Kraft American singles. Both have their moments. Just remember that unless you know of a Flakey Jakes still in business, there is something as too much cheese on your burger. Two slices is enough. If you DO know of a Flakey Jakes, make like 8-year-old me and pour a moat of jalapeno cheese sauce in your basket. Your burger exists solely as a jalapeno cheese delivery device.

3. Similarly, shoot for eight ounce patties of beef. More than that and you're going to fuck up your meat-cheese-topping-bun ratios. Less and you might as well just have a grilled cheese.

4. Salt your tomatoes. It makes a difference.

5. Think of your bread as the bass line to the sandwich. Brioche buns are too distracting and determined to steal the show (think Primus). Ciabatta is all flash but nowhere near the substance its supporters think it has (think The Killers). I like potato rolls myself, as they're sturdy enough to hold it all together but have enough give to provide texture while fading to the background. They're The Smiths of bass lines. Morrissey is your burger.

6. (In Order Of Awesomeness) Charcoal Grill, Gas Grill, Griddle, Skillet, Broiler, Sidewalk, Steamed In My Pants, George Foreman Grill.

7. The more you flip the more you fuck it up. Flip it once. Learn to tell temp by touch. No one likes the guy with the meat thermometer.

8. When beef juice and sundry condiments inevitably drip down my arm, don't judge me.